
7f7 
Ills 



THE 

BOOK OF TED 

OR 

ROOSEVELT AND THE RAILROADS 
IN SCRIPTURE 



^ 



F. ALISTER MURRAY 



THE BOOK OF TED 



All carriers are common* * * * To the 

common all things are common* 

Ted 13:5 



It is hard for a rich man to go to heaven, 
poor* Ted 14: J 6. 



The day cometh when no man can work 
— another* Ted 16:16. 



Copyright, 1907, by Frank Alister Murray. 



uiRARYcf CONGRESS I 

Two CoDles Rocelvod * 

JUL 18 1907 I 

»Dyrtarht Entry I 

iSS Ct xxc, No. j 
/gOSSf 

COPY D. ^ J 



L 






l^HE BOOK OF TED 

CHAPTER I. 

1. It came to pass in those day there sprang out of the 
West two chiefs of the Tribes of Rail. 

2. Now one of them was called E — Double — H., and the 
other was called Double — J — H. 

3. They were not of kin, but their enmity one to the other 
was very great. 

4. In their heat they uttered wild imprecations; their loins 
were girt ever for battle, v/hich they waged ceaselessly with 
deadly engines, spikes and other implements of wrought iron. 

5. And they did issue edicts one against the other, until 
the people were distraught; and the tribes were divided with- 
in themselves. 

6. The people said among themselves: Who is the false 
prophet? Can both the chiefs be false prophets? 

7. And they were sore perplexed. 

8. So it came to pass that the King of all the Tribes of 
Rail (now he was the first of the Teds) called his Vv^ise men 
together into council and spake in this wise : 

9. O, judges of the Tribes of Rail! commissioners of traf- 
fic, I command thee to tell me why this uprising among my 
people. There cannot be two masters, though there may be 
many. 

ID. Strange things have come unto mine ears from Dou- 
ble — H. and Double — J, each accusing the other of usurping 
the power of my exalted position. 

11. Each claims the gift of prophecy, which is vouchsafed 
to none but me in my day and generation. 

12. The people are despoiled of the fruits of their toil by 
unjust taxes and their substance is spent in riotous living. 

13. Wherefore, I say unto you, these things must cease. 

14. No chief can be greater than his King, nor is the King 
beholden to any chief. 

15. Those whose lust for power hath led them into the 

8 



path of deceit and treachery and false teachmg, ye must 
cast out utterly. 

i6. When it came to the ears of the people what King 
Ted had said they rejoiced and were exceeding glad. 

17. For they knew their King, that he was terrible in his 
strength; and they said among themselves: The judgment 
has come! 



CHAPTER 11. 

1. Then the judges of Rail gathered in council and sum- 
moned Double — H., considered mighty in the South. 

2. He told the judges how he gathered tithes from the 
people, even as Double— J in the North; they two collecting 
tribute on all things that come from the ground and are used 
in barter. 

3. The judges were amazed at his cunning and his devious 
ways of waxing fat. 

4. He told them how he even went into the inner cham- 
bers of the temple of the money-changers and levied upon 
them that are accounted greatest among their fellows, both 
Jew and Gentile. 

5. The judges marvelled that he could buy and sell the 
same things at the same time, trading only with himself, and 
extract continuous and surpassing profit thereby. 

6. But that he did that it might be fulfilled as was writ- 
ten : There shall arise among you princes whose eyes shall 
see things before they appear, who shall do things before they 
happen, because their right hands will not know what their 
left hands have seized, 

7. And the judges said unto him: How can these things 
be? 

8. He saith : Search your records and find for yourselves. 
Whereat they marvelled greatly, for no man ever spake as 
he spake. 

9. They indeed accounted him a soothsayer. The records 
availed them nothing. 

10. One thing he did as other men. He quarreled with his 
neighbors. Aye, and one other thing — he fished. 

11. As was his wont, he lifted his voice mightily against 
Double — J, arguing how he impoverished the land and 
walked backward in his sleep. 



12. But Double— J laughed him to scorn, saying: I lath 
he dominion also over Time, as well as Place? 

13. And it came to pass that Double— II. demanded of the 
judges that the other chief be summoned also, but they abided 
their time. 

14. On the evening of the sixth day he went to the palace 
of King Ted and sought an audience of the King. 

15. It pleased the King to see him for the wondrous stories 
he had told. 

16. And the King said unto Double— H. : Render unto 
the people the things that are the people's and unto Ted the 
things that are Ted's. 

17. Whereupon the chief departed wondering. 

CHAPTER III. 

1. King Ted was moved with a great compassion for his 
people, for they were drunken with prosperity. 

2. He gave unto them new commandments and admon- 
ished them. 

3. The people did harken unto his words, and they made 
an idol of the King's scepter, which was a big stick. 

4. And out of this came the saying: He that ruleth with 
a big stick, the same is a big stickler. 

5. Now one of the new laws given unto the people was 
that they should multiply and replenish the earth, the which 
the people did with unction and without stint. 

6. Verily, the stork became a bird of sacred omen and sat 
in the eagle's nest. 

7. And so with the other laws of the King, the people 
obeyed those it pleased them to obey or those perforce they 
needs must obey — for the shadow of the scepter was ever 
about them. 

8. Each man besought his neighbor to do the bidding of 
the King, that the King therein might be glorified. 

9. Out of the riot of richeousness there sprang a sect of 
the Pharisees known as Muckrakes. 

10. These the king despised with a bitter hatred, even as 
he did the Sadducees whom he called the Mollycoddles. 

11. In those days the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail were 
possessed of intense virtue and they loved their King, with 
madness. 



12. And one of the greatest of them was Pier Pont, whose 
tribes were scattered throughout the East and whose fame 
spread unto the uttermost parts of the earth. 

13. He also had dominion over the water, for which the 
other chiefs held him in much esteem because their vineyards 
were ever thirsty; and the season was dry. 

14. Fearing the approach of the lean years Pier Pont set 
out upon a long journey into a far country. 

CHAPTER IV. 

1. Nov/ Pier Pont was in favor with King Ted. 

2. In answer to this chief's supplications the King consent- 
ed to receive the chiefs of the neighboring tribes, namely, 
Mac, of the Tribe of Pennsy, and another chief whose sur- 
name was Melon; likewise Chief Hew-It, whose camp was 
powerful in the Northwest grain fields. 

3. And E — Double — H. v/as also among those chosen for 
the pilgrimage to the white palace of the ruler. 

4. But not Double — J — H. for he and E — Double — H. 
were neighbors, and the mission was a mission of peace and 
good will toward men. 

5. The spirit of Double — J was consumed with envy and 
he would not be comforted. 

6. He said in his haste: Behold all tribes are rotten! 

7. Whereupon Chief Stick-Knee, of the Great West, 
clapped his hands with joy and cried: Amen! which being 
interpreted means, mine too, 

8. And they fain would fill their bellies with sour grapes. 

9. It amazed the people to hear these words and to see 
them filling the air with lamentation. 

ID. There were among the people many striken with palsy 
and sinking of the spine ; others were infirm of knee, and 
great multitudes saw as through the bottom of a glass 
darkly. 

11. Those that barkened unto the counsel of the Spirit of 
Darkness sold all that they had, and were poor. 

12. They were led as lambs to the slaughter. 

13. Those that deserted the camps fell among bears which 
devoured them, as they would devour the male-born of their 
cattle. 

14. So the heart of Pier Pont and the hearts of the chosen 
chiefs were consumed with a great pity for their erring chil- 



dren and for the little ones that had wandered from their 
fold. 



CHAPTER V. 

1. And it came to pass in those days that a great wind 
came and beat upon the temple of the money-changers and 
shook it until every stone was shaken. 

2. Whereupon the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail said among 
themselves : Verily, hath a plague been visited upon the 
people for the sins of their lawmakers. 

3. King Ted heard the commotion but feared naught. 

4. He commanded the servants of his treasure-house to 
distribute alms in the market-place. 

5 And the King communed with himself in this v/ise: 

6. The chiefs of Rail have the law and the profits— what 
seek they of me? I have given no commandment unto the 
wind that it should frighten them. 

7. Truly this is a perverse generation full of fear and 
trembling, and their leaders have storms of the brain and do 
froth at the mouth, while their little ones wander into the 
wilderness to be eaten of bears which walk in the darkness 
seeking whom they may devour. 

8. In vain have I admonished them to repent, these stiflf- 
necked and rebellious chiefs, but they heeded me not. 

9. Now they fain v/ould approach the throne walking on 
their hands and knees, covered with sackcloth and ashes; 
and crying, Unclean! Unclean! 

10. I will receive them, not for their repentance but that 
my name may be glorified among my people. 

11. And I will say unto them: Purge ye first the inner 
parts and then shall ye be clean. Cast ofif the mantle of holi- 
ness, which deceiveth none but thee. Repent in secret. Love 
thy King with all thy heart and know him, that he can do no 
wrong, and love thy neighbor as thy neighbor loves thee. 

12. Verily, the Tribes of Rail should dwell together in 
peace— but not too much, for there is a peace that passeth 
all understanding. 

13. Such peace possesseth the little fishes when the greater 
fishes receive them into their bellies. 

14. And of such peace is the Kingdom of Mammon. 

7 



CHAPTER VI. 

1. There was division among the chiefs of Rail who were 
chosen by Pier Pont to confer with King Ted. 

2. Some of them feared what the people might say, and 
some others were exercised lest the King should command 
them to play with him in the courtyard ; for he was fond of 
games. 

3. Now the King's favorite game was called Squardeel, 
which he played with the big stick, 

4. It behooved the chiefs to humor the King and to play 
Squardeel with all their might, for this game did the King 
invent to amuse the multitudes; but the spirit of the chiefs 
rebelled against the game for the King played it with exceed- 
ing roughness. 

5. And it came to pass on the seventh day that E — Dou- 
ble — H. again sought the presence of the King and besought 
him, saying : 

6. Most valiant and triumphant King! Would it please 
thee to play the game of our fathers which they called the 
Fairplay? 

7. But the King heard him not, for Squardeel was the 
apple of his eye; and he had been warned in a dream against 
a race of scribes who went about screaming and spreading 
terror among the lawmakers. 

8. These same scribes were clad in pink sheets with pha- 
lacteries of flaming red and they mingled their tears with the 
ink. 

9. And in his vision the King heard them tell the people 
that his cunning had departed and that Squardeel was among 
the things that were. 

10. So he said unto himself: I will await the coming of 
the chiefs and they shall do my bidding and all the people 
will magnify my greatness. 

11. So he summoned the chosen among the lawmakers 
and taught them many things. He even showed them how 
to spell. 

12. And he said unto them : Whom do men say that I 
am? 

13. And they answered as with one voice: Truly, thou 
are Ted. Whereupon he rejoiced for the lawmakers had 
great discernment. 

14. Then said he unto them : It hath been noised about 

8 



that I do administer justice and judgment with undue haste 
What think ye? 

15. And again they answered as with one voice: We do 
not think. 

16. That it might be fulfilled as was written: He that 
soweth the seed the same shall gather the harvest. 

CHAPTER VH. 

1. Now one of the lawmakers was Dan— Een, the son of 
111— Noise, and he sat in a high seat in the King's synagogue, 
for he was a devout man and turned his face to the East 
when he prayed; and the evil-doers of Rail feared him 
greatly. 

2. The laws that Dan— Een did make were given unto the 
Tribe of Ill-Scent, which the army of E— Double— H. had 
seized in the night, when Chief Stuyve, surnamed Sucker, 
was asleep; also unto the Camp of All— Ton, which got its 
name from the black mines, which the people dug, and which 
E — Double — H. likewise had seized in battle and held cap- 
tive. 

3. Unto other mighty tribes of Rail also did Dan— Een 
give laws, and the chiefs did pay him taxes as one worthy 
of his hire, except that the taxes levied upon 111 — Scent were 
never fully paid. 

4. So the King counselled Dan — Een and the other law- 
makers to beware lest any chiefs should set themselves above 
the law and become enamored of their own greatness, for- 
getting that they held their power in trust for all the people 
and that their talents were given unto them for the everlast- 
ing glory of the King. 

5. For the unpardonable sin was too much success. 

6. When the day of the pilgrimage drew nigh the chosen 
chiefs of Rail took counsel of one another and it was agreed 
that Melon should set out alone, for the feet of the others 
were cold. 

7. The name of this chief sounded sweet in the ears of 
Rail in time of trouble, for by interpretation it meant a new 
haven. 

8. And Melon's countenance was smooth, even to the back 
of his neck, as of one born to smoothness. 

9. And no man could pluck his beard nor rob him of his 

9 



scalp for every hair of his head was numbered—and they 
were without number. 

10. And the light of Melon's countenance shone behind 
as before. 

11. In the days that had departed Melon had been a neigh- 
bor of Double— J — H., and he learned of his neighbor how 
to look in opposite directions at the same time. 

12. So he became a scapegoat for the chosen chiefs and 
set out alone to see the King. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

1. And it came to pass that certain of the chiefs of the 
Tribes of Rail, fearing the approach of the lean years, said 
among themselves : 

2. Behold, our vineyards are too small, but wherewith 
shall we make them big? Our lawmakers have brought deso- 
lation upon the land and the husbandmen are puffed up. 

3. And others said the King had caused these things to 
be as a warning to the people, lest their chiefs should encom- 
pass the earth. 

4. Now there were in those days handmaidens who danced 
in public places, who were called the show-virgins and they 
were in great favor with the money-changers, before the great 
wind came. 

5. When the show-virgins were faint with hunger the 
small birds came unto them and they were filled. And when 
they were athirst the blood of ancient grapes gushed forth 
from the winepress. 

6. Then would the money-changers sit with them and 
break bread and bottles and the hearts of lawfully wedded 
wives. 

7. The show-virgins were arrayed in purple and fine linen 
and rode about in chariots. 

8. Those who beheld them afar did stretch their necks like 
as unto rubber, and those to whom the maidens would do 
honor did likewise stretch their legs. 

9. And one of the Ishmaelites whose name was Common- 
Law-Son lifted his voice mightily and cried: Verily, I say, 
this is a sign given unto you, a high sign, that ye may won- 
der. For this is the day-of-signs-and-wonders. 

10. But a greater sign shall I give unto you, and it shall 

10 



be the sign of the Double Cross, for such is the sign of (he 
times. 

11. And other signs shall I give you in due season and 
ye shall do more wondering. 

12. Some said: He is a doubting Thomas. Others said: 
He seeth things. But the chiefs of Rail heeded him not. 

13. While the chiefs were hedging in their vineyards Pier 
Pont was yet afar off in a strange country, and they were 
sore grieved that he should leave them, for they had heard 
the great wind beat upon the temple of the money-changers 
and were afraid. 

14. And there was none to comfort them. 



CHAPTER IX. 

1. King Ted said: The chiefs of Rail have seen the 
light and their eyes are sore for they are prone to walk in 
darkness. Yet shall I cause more light to shine upon them 
and I will do them good. ' 

2. I shall be the law. I will give it to them. Verily, they 
will get theirs, good. Verily, they will get theirs, plenty. 

3. A new commandment shall I give unto them, which 
will read : Thou shalt not water thy stock by day ! Yea, and 
another commandment: Thou shalt not water thy stock by 
night ! 

4. Fruit unto fruit! They sent unto me their Melon and 
I have delivered unto them a royal lemon; that it might be 
fulfilled as was written : Thou canst not gather the clear 
persimmon from a prune tree. 

5. They have bathed themselves in immunity and per- 
fumed their garments with righteousness; yet it availeth 
them nothing for I shall be as a frost forever. 

6. And when he had spoken these words unto himself the 
King went out among the scribes and warned them that they 
hold their peace ; for the hour had not yet come when they 
should know the mind of the King. 

7. The scribes lingered at the gates of the palace garden 
for their souls yearned for the beats that grew therein, and 
the beats were exceeding ripe. 

8. And it came to pass that the little cloud upon the sky 
over the temple of the money-changers which the people saw 
on the day of the great wind, at first no bigger than a man's 

11 



hand, did spread over all the sky and strange shadows fell 
upon the land. 

9. And the tents of all the Tribes of Rail were filled with 
sadness. Then would each man say to his neighbor: What 
meaneth this sign in the heavens? How cometh this dark- 
ness in the noonday? But none could answer. 

10. Each day there came new winds from the four cor- 
ners of the earth and filled the market-place with a rumbling 
noise. 

11. Some said: The moon is full ! Others said: It is the 
King ! 

12. Straightway strange things did come to pass. Those 
that were long became short and those that were short became 
shorter. To those that had was given abundantly and from 
those that had not was taken, even that which they had. 

13. Two men sat together by a board. From one the skin 
was taken and the other lost his head. 

14. And the money-changers called upon the people, from 
house to house, crying out unto them in words that should 
never be uttered: Behold, thy margin is wiped away; yea, 
verily, hath thine account been closed ! 

15. For the wind bloweth where it listcth. Man born of 
woman may sometimes get in right but none escapeth the 
squeeze forever, neither Jew nor Gentile. 

CHAPTER X. 

1. Now one of the Pharisees was Rocky-Fellow, who 
prayed on the housetop and let his light shine before all men. 

2. And one of his ceremonies was the laying on of hands, 
which he did unceasingly; and he took the stranger in. 

3. And he taught in the synagogue, saying: Behold, have 
I not kept the commandments? Have I not kept the Sabbath 
and mine own counsel? 

4. Then would the publicans and sinners say: Yea, 
Rocky-Fellow, thou hast kept all these, and much more be- 
sides. Thou hast been given a great trust and great is thy 
faith — in thyself. 

5. He preached humility, frugality and charity, these three, 
and the greatest of these is charity, for it covereth the most. 

6. But with all his devoutness he could not observe the 

feast days as other men, for he had trouble in the inner 

parts. 

12 



7. The sect of the Pharisees called the Muckrakes hated 
him above all other men because he was holier than they and 
richer, and they despised riches even more than themselves. 

8. But the men of learning loved him for he gave unto 
them freely of his shekels and anointed them with oil. 

9. He was not in favor with King Ted, for he would not 
play Squardeel, which was the royal game, as the King would 
have him play, but he played the game ever in his own way, 
which was past finding out. 

10. And the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail were beholden 
unto Rocky-Fellow, the Pharisee, for what he did to them 
and they paid him tithes, which the King said it was not 
lawful for them to do. 

11. Thereupon Rocky- Fellow took possession of certain 
of the Tribes of Rail, having purchased them with oil and 
brass and the tithes he had received, lo! these many years, 
and he said unto himself: Shall the master not do as he 
will in his own vineyard? 

12. And it came to pass in those days that the husband- 
men in the vineyards of the Tribes of Rail in the West gath- 
ered together and said one to the other: Are not the days 
of the pass over? Is not the laborer worthy of his hire? It 
hath been given unto us, as unto the lightning, to strike 
where we will. 

13. Then the shadows fell upon the land once more and 
the chiefs of Rail were troubled in spirit, for they beheld red 
lights ever before their faces and knew not whence they 
came, and they heard the sound of the winds in the market- 
place and knew not whither they went. 

14. But King Ted, having again commanded the servants 
of his treasure-house to distribute alms in the market-place, 
remained within the white palace and kept his peace. 

15. For he was troubled with a dream which the sooth- 
sayers said had never before befallen to the slumbers of any 
king, and they could not explain its meaning, but they called 
it Third-Term. 

16. The name of his dream sounded terrible in the ears of ') 
King Ted, but his face bore a smile like as unto the smile of / 
a wild beast and it remained in his countenance even unto the,/ 
present day. 



13 



CHAPTER XI. 

1. Behold! King Ted himself, with his own hands, hath 
taken tithes from the Tribes of Rail. 

2. These words spake E — Double — H., chief of the tribes 
in the South, which were called Pacific though they were 
ever at war with the northern tribes, whose lord and master 
was Double — J — H., the prophet. 

3. Hearing these words the people were amazed, for the 
King had given unto himself no commandment against the 
taking of tithes, and they knew the King could do no wrong. 

4. And the first of the commandments was this: Thou 
shalt love thy King and honor him. 

5. King Ted was exceeding wroth for the birds of the air 
had flown into the inner chamber of E — Double — H. when 
the great chief slumbered and took the King's secret mes- 
sages from the tent and delivered them into the hands of 
the scribes. 

6. Whereupon the King delivered unto the scribes other 
messages without number, and the letters of these were long 
but the words were short and the King said he fain would 
make them shorter. 

7. And the King went about muttering as though in great 
pain, Taintso! Taintso ! which being interpreted means, 
You're another. But the people knew not its meaning and 
were sore perplexed. 

8. They looked upon the King's face and saw that it was 
pale. Some said : It is the pale of civilization. Others said : 
He is sick. But the chiefs of Rail said among themselves: 
It is just his cheek, and there is none other like unto it 
under the sun. 

9. And it came to pass that the big stick, which was the 
royal scepter, trembled in the King's hand, for the dream 
which he had and which the soothsayers called Third-Term 
troubled him by night and by day. 

10. And it troubled also all the people, but those that it 
most troubled were the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail. 

11. With one accord they hailed E — Double— H. as a 
deliverer, but not openly for they saw the King was angry 
and they feared the scepter. 

12. Seeing the chiefs inclined to rebellion the King called 
his lawmakers and counsellors together and commanded them 
that they remove all water from the vineyards, although they 

14 



were already very dry, until the cry for help should go up 
from every camp. 

13. For of all the plagues the chiefs feared drought the 
most. 

14. There were giants in those days. One of the greatest 
of these was Andrew, the son of Corn — Eggie. He was 
many cubits long of experience and his head was many cubits 
in thickness. His sides were ribbed with iron and he went 
about in high places with naked knees, teaching the people 
until the land was deluged with learning. 

15. Throughout every camp and upon every vineyard the 
floods descended and there sprang from the ground between 
the sunset and the dawn and without the aid of man new 
temples of learning, which the people called the Corn— Eggie 
temples, in Andrew's honor; 

16. That it might be fulfilled as was written: Even the 
bookworm in his turn will turn. 

17. Now Andrew was afflicted with an infirmity of the 
mouth and had eaten mush from his childhood, the which 
thickened his speech until he spoke like a Pharisee with 
paralysis of the tongue. 

18. When the fit was on him he would hoot like an owl. 

19. He called the money-changers sinners, and rich men 
the chief of sinners, and he prayed in the housetops like 
Rocky-Fellow, the Pharisee, that he might die poor; but his 
prayer was not answered for he prayed as he taught, with 
a mushy mouth and not in sincerity and in truth. 

20. When Andrew heard the King saying, Taintso, it 
grieved him for the word, taint, had a hidden meaning to the 
giants of those days and the land was filled with the smell of 
decayed money, like as though a mighty cheese had been rent 
asunder. 

21. But the people gave Andrew a new title— Sir, Cease!— 
for the people had surcease of learning and Andrew had 
spoken sufficient unto the day of judgment. 

^' CHAPTER XH. 

1 I. In his wrath Ted said : All men are liars. 

2. For one of the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail had spoken 
blasphemous words about the King, which did cause the 
King's teeth to gnash, and there was much fury in the white 
palace. 

15 



3. Now the blasphemous chief was E— Double— H., of 
the Pacific tribes in the South, which were ever at war with 
the northern tribes, whose lord and master was Double— 
J — H., the prophet. 

4. The people heard the blasphemy and accounted the chief 
accursed for they loved their King with a great and abiding 
love, and E — Double — H. was without honor even in his 
own country. 

5. And it came to pass in those days that Sodom and Go- 
morrah were united and became as one city and the people 
called it Spit-Burg; for many there were who spat upon it. 

6. Spit-Burg found favor with the money-changers and 
the show-virgins, for its vineyards were bursting with plenty 
and those that dwelt therein spent their substance in riotous 
living. 

7. And from thence came Andrew, the son of Corn — Eggie, 
who was a giant ; the same Andrew who had the spelling bees 
in his bonnet. 

8. When Andrew had gone, those that dwelt in Spit-Burg 
went astray and became as the fleshplotters of Egypt, and 
they set up a new idol in their midst to worship it, the which 
was called Idol-Ness. 

9. And they took unto themselves a new queen and called 
her Little Egypt. 

10. All the male-born that were in wedlock had concu- 
bines and the concubines formed a community of interest, so 
that no man knew his own concubine from another's. 

11. And from this came the saying: Dost thou remember 
Lot's wife? For they were given to gossip. 

12. Many there were as fresh as she, but they were not 
worth their salt. Few turned to salt but many turned to 
rubber. 

13. For all these things Spit-Burg would have been de- 
stroyed by floods and smoke and the fumes of fearful money 
were it not for almost twenty-eight nearly righteous men in 
that place. 

14. So the place was saved lest peradventure there might 
be found therein one virtuous person. 

CHAPTER Xin. 

I. In those days there was a race of Philistines called the 
Demmik-Rats, and they were fierce. 

16 



2. Their chief was called Brine, or the Ever-Frcsh-One, 
and he was fond of running. Whenever he ran he was be- 
hind but when he ceased running he was very much to the 
front. And from his mouth there came sweet sounds as 
from a silver trumpet, and multitudes followed him. 

3. To them he preached and he prayed in public places, 
like as a Pharisee. 

4. The chiefs of the Tribes of Rail feared Brine for his 
false doctrine and they called him the Sixteen Puzzle. But 
King Ted loved Brine, though he hated the Philistines with 
a bitter hatred and he knew also that the heart of Brine cov- 
eted the white palace and the throne therein and the scepter, 
which was a big stick. 

5. Now one of the heresies which Brine did preach was 
this: All carriers are common. Therefore, let the common 
people be the common carriers. For it is written in the com- 
mon law : To the common all things are common. 

6. Then Brine built unto himself a shrine on the commons 
of the great West, whence cometh the hot air, and he called 
the shrine Commoner; but the scribes called it commonplace. 

7. His favorite game was the royal game of Squardeel, 
and he played it more roughly even than the King. 

8. For this also did the chiefs of the Tribe of Rail hate 
Brine; and they feared to conspire further against Ted lest 
Brine should seize the scepter and cast them into the outer 
darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

9. Now the most pious of the Tribes of Rail was St. 
Paul. Its lines were set in pleasant places and its vineyards 
were fruitful and its stock multiplied. 

10. The lord of these vineyards was Earl Ling, whose 
soul yearned for dominion over a Pacific tribe so that he 
tried to make one of his own. 

11. But it came to pass that Ling looked backwards and 
he was disquieted within himself. 

12. And Ling said : Lo ! The lean years are upon us and 
the lawmakers are mad. Let us close our vineyards lest the 
hire of the husbandmen be higher. 

13. His spirit was willing but the flesh was weak; so his 
covetousness could not be conquered, and the new tribe was 
created in the wilderness and it was called St. Paul-Pacific, 
and Ling anointed it with oil and Rocky-Fellow, the Pharisee, 
gave it his blessing. 

17 



14- So the new tribe dwelt in piety and peace between 
the warring tribes which were ruled over by Double — J — H. 
and E — Double — H., greatest of the chiefs of Rail in their day 
and generation. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

1. King Ted reigned in the year of the Great Thaw, and in 
those days a great trial came upon the people. 

2. Many were called but few were chosen — only twelve in 
number; and they suffered the City of Spit-Burg to uncover 
her shame in their presence. Nor could they do aught else 
according to the law. 

3. For three score days and ten they hearkened unto the 
interpreters of the law and them that do minister unto the 
mad, likewise the show-virgins. 

4. And their eyes beheld the White Sepulchres, within 
which are dead men's bones and all uncleanness. 

5. And the twelve were perplexed with the babel of sound 
about their ears so that they could not render judgment or 
find succor for the multitudes in pain. 

6. So they became divided and went their ways and were 
heard of no more. 

7. Then all the people trembled with fear lest another 
trial should be visited upon them as a judgment for the sins 
of Spit-Burg, whence came Corn — Eggie, the giant. 

8. But King Ted had trials of his own. 

9. The chiefs of the Tribes of Rail upbraided the King 
mightily, but in silence, for they lived in the shadow of the 
scepter, which was a big stick, and the shadow had deepened 
from the day that E — Double — H., chief of the Pacific tribes, 
committed the unpardonable sin and blasphemed Ted. 

10. And Brine, ruler of the race of Philistines, called the 
Demmik-Rats, ceased not, night nor day, to plot against the 
throne, for he fain would seize the white palace and there 
make his abode. 

11. Then gathered together the princes and mighty men 
among the Philistines and they summoned the most skilful 
harper to play for them. 

12. His name was Harpey and he harped continually on 
one string but he brought forth strains that were sweet in the 
ears of the Philistines. 

18 



13. The scribes said: Harpey straineth for effect. And 
so it was for he sang a hymn of sacrilege, 

14. But King Ted heard it not and there was no blood 
shed. 

15. Among other sore trials of the King and his people 
was Corn— Eggie, the giant, who went about, preaching peace 
and a good will but he brought them profanity in Stead; and 
none could read Corn— Eggie's will to see whether it was 
good. 

16. And Corn— Eggie said: It is hard for a rich man to 
go to heaven, poor. 

CHAPTER XV. 

1. Now Pier Pont was three score and ten and it was meet 
that the other chiefs of the Tribes of Rail should do him 
honor. 

2. So it came to pass that while he was yet in a far coun- 
try and sojourning among strange people Double — J — H., 
the prophet, and E — Double — H., the blasphemer, met in 
Pier Pont's tent, and the money changers were amazed. 

3. For these two chiefs hated each other with a deadly 
hatred, though they were not of kin, and their tribes were 
ever at war. 

4. But Double — J — H. and E — Double — H. shook hands 
and then turned their backs and shook their fists and de- 
parted in peace, for it was considered rude in those days to 
shed a neighbor's blood in a stranger's tent. 

5. One of the Pacific tribes that remained outside the 
dominion of E — Double — H. was called Miss Houri, whose 
lord and master was George, the son of Jay. 

6. This tribe was fair to look upon but its vineyards were 
very dry and its stock was the lean kine of which the Scrip- 
tures speak, and in time of trouble there was a rattling of 
bones throughout Miss Houri which frightened brave men 
away, 

7. Until Chief Stuyve, surnamed Sucker, whose tribe had 
been seized and ravished by E— Double— H., namely the 
tribe of Ill-Scent, beheld the plight of IVIiss Houri and was 
moved with compassion. 

8. Whereupon Stuyve called upon Chief George, the Jay, 

and asked to share his tent, and George was pleased that 

it should be so. 

19 



9. For George had taken unto himself other tribes both 
East and West and they were so scattered he feared they 
might fall among thieves or faint by the wayside, or per- 
chance wander off the map, 

10. So he received Stuyve into his bosom; from which 
came the saying: Whoso setteth a snare or casteth a net 
the same may be taken in, 

11. And another saying that v^^as common among the peo- 
ple of the Pacific Tribe of Miss Houri was this : Ye see what 
ye do see but ^ye know not until ye are shown. 

CHAPTER XVI. 

1. King Ted circumcised his motives and sanctified his 
thoughts and became a god, in his mind. 

2. Many said he came from heaven to bless the land with 
rich harvests and feed the multitudes on righteousness, while 
others said he was sent as a warning to the wicked; 

3. But the chiefs of Rail said: We care not whence he 
came nor whither he goeth but only how long he will stay. 
How long, O Lord ! How long ! For they heard of the King's 
dream, which the soothsayers called Third-Term. 

4. And it came to their ears that the King would cast his 
mantle of holiness on another, a mighty man who carried 
a great weight and whose name was Daft; and that Ted 
would place in Daft's hands the scepter, which was a big 
stick, and cause him to sit on the throne in the white palace 
and have dominion over all the things that are. 

5. The chiefs of Rail could not divine the purpose of the 
King. Some said he did this for his own sake and for Daft's 
sake. Others said: For God's sake. 

6. But the King heeded them not and he trusted Daft, 
knowing he had no will of his own; and he loved Daft since 
the days when he was a faithful manservant in the house- 
hold of the royal daughter. 

7. So the King, acounting Daft as being long worthy, made 
him a warrior and Daft waxed bigger daily in the opinion 
of the King and in the sight of the people, until he seemed 
more than a man. 

8. Brine, the Demmrik-Rat, planned to run a race with 
Daft for the warrior's legs were many cubits broad and 
Brine wanted to make sport for the Philistines in that way. 

9. Daft looked down on Brine, as Goliath once leered at 

20 



David, and he was not loth to run a race with him because 
Brine with all his running had never won a race; 

10. Whereupon the people laughed in derision at the sight 
of the two runners, like as a locust and a toad in a contest. 

11. But King Ted was not moved for he knew his will 
was divine and the people must find in him their every bless- 
ing and do his bidding from the rising to the setting of the 
sun; and even in the night the people dreamed only as the 
King would have them dream. 

12. So when the drought came upon the vineyards of the 
Tribes of Rail, and other plagues like the madness among 
the lawmakers and the green bugs that consumed Teck's ass 
alive, the people were not afraid for they knew heaven was 
behind the King and the land would yield abundantly so long 
as the King was pleased. 

13. But the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail feared for their 
stock when the water was gone, for the mouths of the hun- 
gry husbandmen were open for much meat and it was not 
safe to let the lawmakers run loose where the stock was. 

14. Then Ted said to the chiefs: I will see about thy 
stock. The best of it can get along without water. Let the 
rest be cut down and branded before all the people. Hence- 
forth no chief of Rail shall give unto any man his bond un- 
less it be as good as his word. 

15. A good tree bringeth forth good fruit, and melon is 
not fruit. 

16. Behold, the day comcth when no man can work — an- 
other. 



CHAPTER XVH. 

1. There was a close bond of union among the husband- 
men in those days so that whoso spoke ill of any husbandman 
incurred the enmity of all. 

2. And they made laws of their own and gave unto them- 
selves new commandments until King led was constrained 
to rebuke them. 

3. Certain of the husbandmen were charged with smiting 
a lawmaker in the back when it was dark until he yielded up 
the ghost, and the King was angry, for he had not given 
authority unto any husbandman to kill a lawmaker, and the 
lives of the lawmakers belonged to the King. 



21 



4- So he branded the headstrong husbandmen with a red 
hot letter. 

5. In his wrath he hkened them to E — Double — H., who 
had spoken blasphemous words and was accounted cursed 
forever. 

6. So the husbandmen rebelled, though they loved Ted, 
for they could not endure his scorn nor bear the weight of 
his displeasure. 

7. But Ted feared nothing except the dream which he had 
and which the soothsayers called Third-Term. 

8. And at that time the nations of the earth had gathered 
together in the Town of James, where was the home of 
John, the son of Smith, who had begotten many sons, though 
the greatest of them was John. 

9. It pleased Ted to journey thither to do honor to the 
house of Smith, for Ted worshipped the stork, which was a 
family idol of all the Smiths. 

10. Seeing all the nations gathered together, his heart was 
glad for he knew they were all prepared to fight for peace. 

11. So he commanded the eagle to scream over that place, 
and he called the place Great Show, and the scribes went 
about the land telling of the wonders they had seen. 

12. And Ted read an epistle to the Tribes of Rail and the 
husbandmen, counselling them to walk uprightly, and to honor 
their fathers and their King. 

13. For upon the necks of them that sinned the big stick 
would surely fall, be they rich or poor, Jew or Gentile. 

14. And the time was near for the chastisement of the 
chiefs of the Tribes of Rail. 

15. Ted said: It hurts me as much as thee, but not in the 
same place. 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

1. Rocky-Fellow, the Pharisee, seeing he was ripe for the 
scythe of Time, from which no man can flee, called his only 
begotten son and said: 

2. My mantle is thine. Henceforth oil blessings shall flow 
from thee. Hide not thy light under a bushel, nor in any 
corner of the grain market, but shine upon all men without 
ceasing and know that in every man thou canst find a good 
thing. 

3. Rocky-Fellow sent also for his only begotten brother 
and said: Have I not been a near relative of thine? 

22 



4- And his brother said: Yea, thou hast been very close. 

5. Then the physicians came but they found the aged 
Pharisee was holding his own, and much more besides. 

6. They warned him to take no chances but he took every- 
thing that came his way. 

7. The chiefs of the Tribes of Rail who paid him tribute 
said among themselves : He hath a great will, like as Corn- 
Eggie, the giant. But old age is in his midst and his heart 
is mellow so that he is giving up the cares of the world and 
soon will give up his ghost, for he truly loveth charity. 

8. As was his wont, Rocky-Fellow went into the housetops 
and prayed, and looking into heaven he said : How beautiful 
are the streets of gold. It is my will to leave the earth and 
all that it contains — to my son John. 

9. But his brother William, and the chief butler of his 
household, Henry, and the money-changer, James, who was 
called the Still Man, were sore displeased for they wanted 
the portion that belonged to each of them. 

10. But King Ted set his face against Rocky- Fellow for he 
was the richest among men and abounded in tricks that were 
vain, so that when Ted's eyes were on one trick Rocky-Fellow 
turned many others and took them all in, 

11. And Rock-Fellow would not play the royal game of 
Squardeel in the straight and narrow way the King would 
have him play. 

12. And Rocky-Fellow invented a game of his own called 
Stannardoil, which some found crude and others refined but 
all agreed was slippery; and there was no man could play 
that game with the Pharisee and win. 

13. Many there were who lost all that they had in such 
games. 

14. It came to pass in those days that Brine, the prince 
of the Philistines, who were called Demmik-Rats, had a terri- 
ble dream, which the soothsayers called Third-Time, like 
as they called King Ted's dream, Third-Term. 

15. And Brine girded his loins like as a runner about to 
enter a race but he counselled the Philistines to be of good 
cheer for no matter how much he ran, nor how often, he 
would never run away. 

CHAPTER XIX. 
I. The heart of King Ted was troubled about the game of 
23 



Stannardoil which Rocky-Fellow, the Pharisee, played with 
much skill and cunning. 

2. Rocky-Fellow called Stannardoil the game of light, but 
he played it in the dark. 

3. In all his doings the Pharisee was smooth, even to the 
crown of his head, while the King's ways were rough, even 
as his riding. 

4. Now the King was a royal sport and when he could 
not beat a game he straightway set out to kill it with the 
scepter, which was a big stick. 

5. So he smote Stannardoil in many places with all his 
might until it should have been many times dead but the 
game went on and the Pharisee smiled in the shadow of 
the scepter. 

6. Each time Ted sought to break up his game, Rocky- 
Fellow went upon the housetop and prayed that the King's 
wrath be turned aside for he knew Stannardoil was stronger 
than the scepter, and it grieved him to see the King cherish 
a false hope. 

7. Rocky-Fellow did not love Ted as he should or he 
would himself have destroyed Stannardoil for he had created 
the game and no other man knew how it was made nor how 
it might be destroyed. 

8. But Rocky-Fellow loved Stannardoil, even as Ted loved 
Squardeel, and he showed his only begotten son, John, how 
he could play it, inside with outsiders or outside with in- 
siders, and always win. 

9. Rocky-Fellow's only begotten brother, William, also 
learned many strange things about the game, so that he could 
play either end or the middle, but neither William nor John 
could play both ends against the middle as the Pharisee did. 

10. King Ted summoned the chosen among them that in- 
terpreted the law and administered justice, in the King's way, 
and commanded them to show the people wherein Stannardoil 
was a curse upon their children and a blight upon their vine- 
yards; and this they did. 

11. But it availed them nothing, for Rocky-Fellow had 
dug deep wells and tunnels in the earth and filled them with 
oil so that they were exceeding slippery, and no man could 
find Stannardoil, nor having found it lay his hands upon it. 

12. Rocky-Fellow said: Stannardoil hath neither spot nor 
blemish. 

13. Ted said: If it hath no blemish, why hideth it in the 

24 



dark corners in the noonday? And if it hath no spot, how 
can it change its spots? 

14. For the King had touched it many times when playing 
with the Pharisee, but it had always slipped through his 
fingers. 

15. And from this came the saying: Touch not lest ye be 
touched. 

CHAPTER XX. 

1. In those days the people had great faith and all their 
possessions were held in some kind of trust. 

2. The greatest of all the trusts was called Unitedsteal, 
whose author and finisher was Pier Pont, whom the money- 
changers loved more than any other chief of the Tribes of 
Rail. 

3. Unitedsteal was in favor with Andrew, the son of Corn- 
Eggie, who was one of the giants of those days, and all the 
Tribes of Rail paid it tribute, so that it waxed bigger daily; 
and those who dwelt in the wicked City of Spit-Burg bowed 
down before it to worship it, like as they worshipped the 
Golden Calf. 

4. Those to whom it was given to administer this great trust 
were men of iron but the fumes of fearful money entered 
their nostrils and behold, their brains became soft, like as the 
gums of a new-born babe. 

5. First there came Charles, the son of Squab, and after- 
wards William, the son of Gorey, both of the House of Toil. 

6. While sojourning in a far country Charles fell upon a 
bank called Montycarlo and broke it and likewise he broke 
his of^cial neck. 

7. But a worse fate was in store for William, the son of 
Gorey, upon whom the mantle of authority descended. 

8. For he became enamored of a show-virgin and took 
her to wife, although he had another wife and it was con- 
sidered sinful in those days, even in Spit-Burg, for any man 
to have more than one lawfully-wedded wife. 

9. Nor was it even accounted worthy of men to have many 
concubines — if they let it be known. 

10. So the money-changers scorned him for what he had 
done and the wrath of the people fell upon him, and he fled 
from his country for a season. 

11. Thereupon the high priest who united him and the 

25 



show-virgin in holy wedlock, for thirty pieces of silver, was 
consumed with grief, and going into the temple before the 
congregation he cast the money down and washing his hands 
he cried: 

12. How great an evil have I done! But it hath been 
done, and so have I. 

13. The other priests and the people saw the evil even 
before he saw it and they knew it could not be undone, as 
was he who did it. 

14. Then other high priests were warned against high life 
lest in seeking the high places they peradventure might find 
the higher criticism. 

15. But William, of Unitedsteal, and the wife of his bosom 
searched the Scriptures and heeded not what the Congrega- 
tionalists said, for they read in The Book of Ted these words : 
Blessed be the tie that binds. 

16. The which became a common saying among the Tribes 
of Rail, where many ties were loose. 

17. The bridegroom and the bride loved each other so 
much that when they entered the ship they gave up everybody 
else, and when the storm came they gave up everything they 
could. 

18. They were never alone for the Scribes stuck to them 
like chilled syrup. 



CHAPTER XXI. 

1. The beasts of burden which carried the people and their 
goods to and fro in the land of Rail were mighty in size and 
strength and moved with amazing swiftness. 

2. From their nostrils there came fire and smoke and 
steam, and they roared like thunder. 

3. They were harnessed in iron and shod with iron and 
they were trained to leap the widest rivers and to climb the 
highest mountains. And their masters, the chiefs of the 
Tribes of Rail, had taught them many tricks. 

4. Their fodder was a strange herb called capital, which 
grew wild and rank in those days, and they were given all 
the water they could drink, so that the fodder swelled within 
them until their bellies bulged. 

5. It pleased their masters to see them so, but the people 
feared lest they should burst. 

6. At times these beasts ran into one another with terrible 

26 



fury and were rent asunder, and the bodies of men were 
strewn by the wayside. 

7. At other times they were seized with madness and 
leaped from the beaten path where they were driven and fell 
over steep places and were lost in the waters beneath. 

8. Then would the people say: Who hath sinned that our 
little ones entrusted to the keeping of these beasts of the 
highway are thus wantonly destroyed? 

9. Then would the chiefs of the Tribes of Rail look sad, 
and they calmed the weeping multitudes by saying: There is 
no sin amongst us, for this is as it happens to the children 
of men in all lands and ever has since civilization was born. 

10. The chiefs of Rail sought to appease the wrath of the 
people v/ith soft words and by distributing alms among the 
kinsfolk of those that were slain. 

11. Inwardly the chiefs grieved deeply over the loss of 
their great beasts which laid great golden eggs. 

12. And the chiefs were constrained to increase the hire 
of the drivers because of the danger, though they were in 
sore need of the shekels themselves. 

13. But the people were never satisfied. 

14. They caused the lawmakers to examine the beasts and 
to pass laws for taming them, and they praised King Ted for 
calling the chiefs to judgment. 

15. Som^e even importuned the King to seize the beasts 
from the hands of the lawful owners and deliver them into 
the hands of the people, but the King said : Let us first see 
what manner of beasts they are. 

16. For the King knew the people could not handle them. 
And it was not in the heart of the King to destroy any beast 
because its master had sinned. 



CHAPTER XXII. 

T. In those days there lived in the land of Rail two inter- 
preters of the law whose names were Kill-Hog and Sever- 
Once, and King Ted loved them for their wisdom. 

2. He caused them to sit in high places before the people 
and make known the iniquities of the chiefs of the Tribes of 
Rail. 

3. He gave them authority among the commissioners of 
traffic and as a token of his favor he presented them each 

27 



with royal gumshoes so that the chiefs knew not the hour of 
their coming in or going forth. 

4. It was their duty to know the King's mind and to read 
the law with such discernment that the commissioners of 
traffic would render judgment in accordance with the King's 
will. 

5. Kill-Hog was the King's favorite for he played the 
royal game of Squardecl with exceeding roughness. 

6. So it was given unto Kill-Hog to devise a punishment 
that should be meted out to Chief E — Double— H., the blas- 
phemer; for this chief had committed the unpardonable sin 
of "too much success" and had taken the King's name in vain. 

7. Wherefore it behooved the law to take its course, 
coarsely. 

8. Now it chanced in the days that had long since de- 
parted and before ever Ted became the King that Kill-Hog 
was a servant in the household of Double — J — H., the prophet, 
whose tribes in the North were neighbors of the Pacific tribes 
over which E — Double — H. had dominion. 

9. And, being neighbors, these tribes were ever at war 
with each other. 

ID. So Kill-Hog learned from his former master where his 
enemy's soft spots were and where the fences of the Pacific 
tribes were rotten. 

11. For this also Ted loved Kill-Hog. 

12. The birds of the air that had taken the King's secret 
messages from the tent of E — Double — H. when the great 
chief slumbered were never caught, and one night they en- 
tered Kill-Hog's tent, not far from the white palace, and in 
like manner they flew away with Kill-Hog's secret mes- 
sages and delivered them into the hands of the scribes. 

13. Then were the commissioners of traffic stricken dumb 
and again the wind beat upon the temple of the money- 
changers. 

14. Fear seized the chiefs of Rail for they beheld the 
scepter, which was a big stick. 

15. The people were amazed but grieved not at all over 
it. Some said : Kill-Hog himself is stuck. 

16. But King Ted held his peace and Kill-Hog went his 
way rejoicing. 



28 



CHAPTER XXIir. 

1. King- Ted ruled over all the races of men that dwelt in 
the tents of Rail in those days— money-changers, Muckrakes, 
Mollycoddles; scribes and soothsayers; Philistines and Phari- 
sees; Rail chiefs and racc-suiciders; lawmakers and libertines; 
undesirables and unmentionables ; blasphemers and blowhards ; 
hypocrites and humbugs, millions of mad men and all the 
mighty hosts of liars. 

2. He also had dominion over the beasts of the field, the 
birds of the air and the fish of the sea and snakes. 

3. And he knew all things that were knowai and many 
other things besides. 

4. Certain of the scribes studied the animal life for the 
sake of their own habits and then went about telling the peo- 
ple strange stories and corrupting the minds of the children. 

5. These scribes Ted despised, and he called them Nature- 
fakirs, or, by interpretation, Animaliars. 

6. He cautioned the people to take heed lest they believe 
too much for the King alone knew Nature. 

7. The King knew that the things the Naturefakirs proved 
to be so were not so. 

8. Being wise as a serpent, he knew no reptile could be 
square, and he said: Behold, it is mathematically impossible 
for an adder to multiply. 

9. He studied the animal habits of scribes and found that 
most scribes saw snakes that were not there and before even 
the snakes had been born. 

10. He was not as gentle as a dove, quite, but he would 
not permit gray wolves to feed upon the hearts of living deer 
or school trustees. 

11. But unto the bears he gave much freedom to wander 
where they would, even among the lambs, and there was car- 
nage in the streets of the market-place, even within the walls 
of the temple of the money-changers. 

12. Wild bulls were let loose in their midst but the bears 
feared nothing for the bulls were w^ithout horns. 

29 



13- Ted pitied his people for their manifold sins of omis- 
sion and commission, and the bowels of his compassion were 
moved. 

14. The money-changers sinned most in commissions, and 
the race-suiciders were most guilty of omission, btit not as 
much as Ted thought. 

15. Out of the great goodness of his heart Ted forgave 
the people many of their transgressions, knowing their limits 
of body and soul. 

16. But there was no forgiveness for them that broke 
three of the commandments, which were these : 

17. First. Thou shalt not take the name of thy King in 
vain. 

18. Second. Thou shalt not commit race-suicide. 

19. Third. Thou shalt not be guilty of too much success. 

20. Being short of breath, Ted left the white palace and the 
haunts of men and went into the depths of the v.'ilderness and 
massaged his lungs so that he could speak more strenuously to 
the people, and the name of that place v/as Bivalve Bay. 

21. Unto the people the King sent only this message: Peace 
be with you — till I come again. 



Selah, 



JUL IS 1907 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



013 981 044 2 



ZPPO 1.86CI-0 




ssBaoNOOdOAdvaan 



